Falling for the Lies.

Too many people engage in nonmarital sex because they believe our culture's lies that sexual intercourse is essential for happiness, that arousal is a must-meet demand, and that sex is free and easy. In addition, too many people enter marriage with expectations that hinder their ability to enjoy one another.

When married Christians believe sex is easy, they don't communicate about sex, and problems go unaddressed. Sometimes engaged virgins na?vely believe that because they followed “the rules,” sex will be easy and free. They'll be just like Monica and Chandler. When problems come, they may feel like failures because they hadn't expected to have to work so hard at sex. I hope these couples will learn to communicate honestly about sex. I hope they will draw into their union trusted advisers or professionals who can help them make wise choices. I hope sex will be great for them. If it's not great, however, right away or after a year or after 10 years, I hope they know they're not failures.

They've just been lied to.

When married Christians believe sex is free, one may resent the other for the ways that results of past sexual sin come to bear on their life together. Others say, “I'm ready for marriage, but I'm too young for children.” They believe that sex can be solely unitive and pleasurable-that it's always possible to enjoy the good stuff without the costly result of pregnancy. God made coupling as a whole, and our attempts to slice it up, enjoying only the present and discarding the past, or enjoying the pleasure but not the procreative aspects, often fail. I hope these couples learn to count the cost of marriage, which includes both joyful blessings and painful disappointments.

On Friends, being single is the norm because it allows for multiple sexual partners, opportunities to display one's body, and freedom to enjoy pornography or erotica unashamedly. The actors who play those characters, however, show a surprising fondness for marriage. All three women are married. They dress up and memorize lines to perpetuate lies that they themselves do not live. They see behind their own façade, and make choices that are different from those of their characters. But it is the characters on shows like this that shape American notions of sex.

It's easy to see that actors are playing roles. It's more difficult to see behind cultural façades. When Christians are silent and TV is loud, it's obvious which message will be heard. We evangelicals are doing a good job of telling the truth about God's plan for abstinence for the single and monogamy for the married. We must, however, tell more truth. We need to read our culture closely, looking beyond the messages that promote nonmarital sex to the deeper, undergirding lies. Sex is one of God's good gifts, like friendship, parenting, skiing, or playing the violin. All require hard work, and all are costly in some way. Yet when enjoyed in good stewardship as gifts, they are some of life's great blessings.

That's the truth about sex.